Something In Those Eyes...

When I was driving back to the cities after Easter weekend I was reviewing all the news that was brought to my attention over the weekend. It seemed like so much to comprehend and take it that I felt overwhelmed. I couldn't run and hide because that wouldn't get it off my mind. I couldn't run and tell a friend because it was suppose to keep confidential for a little while. So I turned to a envelope that was sitting in my passenger seat and wrote down all the things that were running threw my head. Writing has been a great way to express my feeling and get them out. As I look at this beaten envelope with written phrases all over it there was one that stuck out for me to write about today.

I look back at the very exact moment my dad told me that news about moving. He was in pure excitement, but yet there was a little hesitation and worry in his voice when he told me. Its like he new before he even spoke the words, how I was going to react. He new the tears would shed, that it may hit me hard, and that I would have many excuses of why we should stay. As he was telling me the news there was one thing I looked at that made me stay strong for my dad. As I looked into those eyes it gave me a source of satisfaction that everything was going to okay. There was something in his eyes that made me smile and believe. I couldn't began to explain what or how those eyes did it. If there is one thing about my dad that makes him an amazing person is his ability to understand you. He may not come out with words and console you, you may not think he feels your pain, or you feel ignored. But its that look, that connection, and those eyes that make you feel comforted by his soul and makes you know and feel that he understands. That he understands, cares, and loves me just by that "something" in his eyes,

I love you Dad, Congratulations on your 

new business. I'm glad to say you have

received your dream that you have

long awaited for!

News That Hit Me Hard Cont....

Later on that night when the news was still so new to me. It still hurt to talk about it, but I found ways to think on the positive side of things. I had to for my dad. For my mom. For my Parents. We sat around the living room talking about the endless possibilities that come with this big move. Along with the good and talking positive, I was still thinking about the bad. How couldn't I? How could I just let this news be okay within a few hours, I physically couldn't. My body doesn't allow me to move on that quick. I usually em one to sit back, soak it all in, and then after its soaks in I'm ready to talk about it. But, when that particular moment hits usually tears are endured, my body will ache, my heart will feel empty, and I need the right person to be there to share this particular moment with me. Someone that is close to me like a best friend. And that one person was there for me at that given moment when it hit...

I said my goodnights and headed up the stairs to my bedroom. As I was gathering my bedtime supplies and heading to the bathroom, I hear faint footsteps coming up the stairs. As I opened the bathroom door, with a toothbrush in hand and toothpaste in mouth, my mom gives me a sly smile and stands there and talks to me. After I was finished brushing my teeth I had so much to say, but I couldn't find the words. I took one step and fell into her arms and thats the moment I will never forget. It hit hard. So hard I started to cry, then the crying turned to bawling. I cried tell it hurt, tell my tears were dry, tell my head hurt and as I cried I thought one thing, this is my "home". Our "home." My arms were so tight around my mom that I couldn't move nor could she. I wanted this pain to disappear, and the more I cried the more my mom tried to console me. "I know this is hard.".... "I know this sucks.".....  "Don't worry I cried too"...."Just like you, I tried thinking of every excuse.".... "Everything is going to be alright.".... At that moment is was so hard to think of the positive, but as I pulled myself together I tried.

One last time I said my goodnights and I was off to bed. As I crawled into bed with my fuzzy (if you missed that post you may click on the word fuzzy) wrapped in-between my arms and I held on tight. I thought to myself this is the house I spent 21 years in, we have holiday traditions and memories, special seats at the table, which non of these can come with us. My brother and I have countless memories in the backyard, fishing by the river, and wresting matches in the living room. As these memories were flashing through my head,  my eyes were getting heavy, were wet from crying, and I was extremely exhausted. They slowly closed and I drifted into sleep. The next morning was a brand new day, and things became easier. The words of moving became easier to say and I was happy. I was happy for my parents. Not being able to share the news with anyone else but my immediate family members was hard, but it helped with the healing process. I'm happy to say I have grown to accept this and like I mentioned before nothing can take the memories away from my childhood home. They will be with me forever. Through stories we share, pictures we look at, and memories we have will all make the childhood I had still fresh with or without the house.

News that hit me hard...

I'm sure most of you know that the big move for my family is quickly approaching and feelings are still mixed but we are slowly becoming excited. The move that use to be dreadful, tiresome, and heart wrenching, is starting to feel like a new journey that entitles so much more to life. Well this next few days I'm going to share with you some feelings that I wrote down when I heard this for the first time. The feelings that I truly felt. The feelings of packing up and moving onto another new journey of life.

As most of you know I hadn't made it home between Christmas and Easter and my parents were longing to see my face and hold me in their arms after many months of only phone calls and emails. My mom was itching to have me home to talk about girls things, new additions to the house, and most of all to tell me some "news." Little did I know that the "news" that I was told was going to be so heart wrenching. 

As I was rolling my suitcase up the breezeway to my home, my mom comes bolting out of the garage with open arms to welcome me home. It felt so good to be wrapped up in my moms arms so tight again and to be told she loved me. Ah, the feelings of being kissed, hugged, and the words "I loved you" from your mom is something you can never get sick of. As I quickly picked up my bags again and started heading to the house my mom said "Hurry up and drop your things off and come out to the garage, Dad and I have something to tell you." My mind was racing "What could it be?" "Could it be a new car?" "Could it be that their finally giving me their blazer?" As I quickly dropped my items off I ran to the garage where my parents where out discussing things about the home. I didn't think anything of it because that seems to be a normal conversation when the weather starts getting warmer. Then my mom says "Well dad has something to tell you." As I sat on the driving lawn mower and my eyes glued at my  dad lips until the words came out of his mouth

"WERE MOVING"

"What!" I gasped and then the tears rolled down my cheeks like stream. My heart sank like a one hundred pounds of bricks were tugging it down. My heart hurt like a thousand needles were stuck in it. My heart felt was aching, it felt looniness, and it felt that there was a hole in it that wouldn't heal. My mind was racing, I couldn't think nor focus. 

I had every excuse out of the book like diarrhea of the mouth before I even asked the details. I was shocked, I was mad, I was sad, I was heartbroken. My childhood memories, my life, my hometown is all in a little town called Warren, MN. Why can't we stay? This is home.This is all I have ever known to call "Home." But the more I thought about it, the more I realized it wasn't about me, it was about my dad, my mom, my parents. It's a opportunity to make my dad's dream come true, and to advance in his career. He has waited a long time for this and if anyone knows that you have to be patient when you chase your dreams it should be me. After all the obstacles I went around, the moving, and the new decisions I had to face in the last year and half should just be an example that life moves on.

 And when my family finds a home in Mahnomen, MN, it will feel like home again when all four of us are together. Laughing amongst a golden fire in the backyard, dancing around the kitchen preparing a meal, or singing to some tunes while cleaning the house. It will feel like home because we are together as a family. This move can't take away our memories, our family traditions, nor our childhood. We will pack them up and move on to a new chapter in life that will just add more to our story called "life."

If It Takes My Whole Life...

My education has been quite the journey for me in itself; however, I knew it wasn't going to be easy for the start. I have always know that its competitive, its a long wait, no one ever waits to get in, they pick favorites. I have heard every excuse in the book on this degree and how awful the wait can be. However, it didn't hold me back. Of course I listened and held their advice close to my heart and was always on repeat in the back of my head, but something in me said this is your dream, this is your career choice. Just because someone told you negative things and didn't have the patience to wait it out doesn't mean you should change your profession. Don't let anyone tell you that you aren't strong enough, your not big enough, your not smart enough because in your heart you can accomplish anything you want to do. Just because you can't lift the weight bar over your head doesn't mean your weak. Strength is in all aspects of life from finding strength when you have lost a loved one, finding strength to move forward after only getting four hours of sleep, finding strength to pick your feet up after getting countless reject letters in the mail. It was hard to find that strength somedays when the letters filled the mailbox of rejection from schools all over. How could I look at life and think it's amazing? How could I smile and think everything happens for a reason? How could I not cry and think I need to rethink my career path? As the tears rolled down my cheeks after opening letter after letter, I soon became numb to the fact that I even wanted this in life. Yeah, to most people being a dental hygienist isn't their dream job. But for me, its something that I have picked since I was in Junior High and I have gone this far and not going to stop now.

Deep inside I have had a certain phrase that I repeated to myself "If it takes my whole life it will be worth it in the end." Now that I have patiently, desperately, eagerly awaited this time in my life, its finally come to the point were I can measure the time until I complete this chapter, stepping stone of my life.  I'm sure many of you have had a certain dream that you knew was going to take awhile to chase, but eventually you will catch it in your hands and hold it close to you. Before you can catch that dream though, you have to believe in yourself. After I started to believe in myself and have faith in the hands above, life started getting easier as I waited. I told myself worrying, crying, and being stressed isn't going to get me anywhere. What will help is living life in the moment and enjoying the small things. The feeling of accomplishment will be hard to express with words but I'm sure this blog will catch my good days, my bad days, and everything in-between on this journey of becoming a dental hygienist. 

Everything Happens for a reason...

I'm sure you have heard this a thousand times in your life. And some days you just can't grasp why. You can't put your hands around it and be like gotcha. But over time you look back at the possibilities that were offered to you and without that "something" you wouldn't be where you are today. Life can be hard, fun, and exciting. You may have shed some tears to relieve stress. You may have drank a glass or two of wine to ease the troubles. You may have just curled up in a ball and cried over a loved one. Maybe you punched a hole in the wall because you have reached your limit. There are many incidents in life where maybe you weren't very proud of yourself, or there are many cases where you are. Each and every moment in life has a meaning and

things happen for a reason...

Looking back at  life can sometimes make you smile, cry, or even laugh. You may have gotten fired from a job, let go, or quite. But without that experience in life you wouldn't be were you are today. Without going through that you would be a different person. You grow, you learn, and you experience a new outlook on life. My part-time jobs in life may not be my dream jobs. They may bring out the attitude or bad side of me. I didn't make a fortune, but I learned so much about working with people, working with a team, and being involved with the community that I lived in. I grew from each experience that my  jobs threw at me and have become a better person. They have made me think more of my education and why I'm going to school. I have grown to have more patients, to listen to the complainers, and the smallest things in life matter the most.

Everything Happens For a Reason...

I moved down to the cities to expand my knowledge in the Dental field. Little did I know within a week of living down here and everything was put away in its new spot, that I would be moving back in the summer for my Dream of dental hygiene school. Maybe if I hadn't taken the offer down here I would have never gotten in at Duluth for my dream job. It wasn't easy to move away from my friends, or moving to a new city 10x bigger than what I have ever been use to. It wasn't easy being an hour farther away from my hometown and my family. However, I grew from this experience and now realize that I love the big city. Without this move I would have never known that I love the big city this much. The fresh air of a new town and a new experience opened my world to a whole new outlook on life.

Everything Happens for  a Reason...

I had the opportunity to live with my cousins down in the cities; however, turned them down to live with a friend of a friend because it was cheaper and no lease. Little did I know that it was the best choice I could have made because I was moving back in the fall to Duluth. Without this decision I would have never met four amazing guys that would do anything to help me out. Never would I have met my roommate "Sawyer" that gave me a whole new look on my goals and accomplishments in life and the meaning of life is, oh so precious. Never would I have gotten closer to an amazing guy named, Jason, who has also taught me so much on the aspect of education and life as a whole. He has taught me how to rewire a deep fryer, wiring a new outlet into the house, how to sew, and so much more. It will be hard to leave these guys and move on but

Everything Happens for a Reason...

You may not like what life is throwing at you currently. You may have those days were "life sucks" or "school sucks" and you hear over and over again that "That's Life". Somedays its plain difficult to look on the positive side of things. Somedays its hair pulling, heart tearing, body aching hard to move on from what life hands you. Sometimes life just doesn't rain on you but down pours with lightening and thunder. Your soaked down to your underwear and its uncomfortable to move, your bone chilly cold with the shakes and shivers, but you know you can't stay like that all day. You move forward with the next task of the day and pretty soon you see the sun breaking through the clouds and the rays of sun warming you up just like a cup of cocoa on a cold winter day. It may take a day, week, or a month to feel that sun warming you up, but you get there step by step even if its baby steps. Life has a way of warming you up with the simple things. Not only warming you up, but helps you move on and tackle the next thing thats thrown at you with a better attitude, outlook, and view because

Everything Happens for a Reason...

Much needed update...

I apologize for not keeping up on my blog over the month of march; however, it was hectic month between school during the week days and fun and excitement filled my weekends. I have pictures I also need to put up here but that might take a few more days to get those up here. I made it to good friday without pop, but not so much candy. I accidently splurged on the part without evening knowing what I was doing until it was gone. Oops. It made Tom and I chuckle a little bit as I stared at the Smarties wrapper and all that remained was the sugary powder. O'well I at least made it tell one week was left. 

This month I promise you I will get back to my blogging style with a few more posts, few more stories, and most of all this month I will be sharing some stories from my heart. I recently took a six hour drive home to the Northland this week and along that drive I really had some time to think of some stories that I would like to share with you. When I'm in the car alone driving for a long distance my mine runs wild. Oh the things I could write about, oh the opportunities I have in life, oh the endless possibilities I could go, so when my mind runs wild like this, I grab a sheet of paper and jot, write, and scribble the endless blog post entrees I could write. So this month I will hold my promise and keep this blog updated. Before I forget I also added some new songs to the playlist, so my blog isn't bored by the old music.

I hope everyone has a great Easter Celebration with their Family!

Happy March to Everyone...

Well spring sure looks like it's in the air and as the snow slowly melts, I'm a tad sad. Don't get me wrong I love spring, summer, rain showers, and the sun. However, I'm not ready to put the hockey skates away, my stick, and most of all my snowboard. I have made it out a lot this year, but I'm still not ready to put it in its bag for the summer months. So I'm hoping for at least a couple more snow filled days with big fluffy flakes! If I don't get that simple wish I'll be okay with it, it will just means wake boarding is soon to come.

Some things that I'm currently looking forward to for this month...

* Snowboard a few more times (Anytime I can get up to duluth before March 31st)

* A couple High school friends coming to visit me over their spring break (March 11-14)

* Hockey tickets for the final five (March 18-20)

* My 21st Birthday (March 20th)